That in the end was the question David and I were asking ourselves as I lie in the hospital the day after my miscarriage. We had been told a couple of days before that our baby had probably died, but there was still a sliver of hope, and now the hope had vanished.
The miscarriage itself had not gone well, if one can say a miscarriage ever goes well. After five hours of struggling through it at home, I was still hemorrhaging and could hardly stand so we went to the emergency room where I was immediately attended to. After many pokes and sticks it was discovered that I was also in septic shock and had surgery late in the evening.
It is an odd thing, grief. It keeps getting interrupted, whether by hope or illness or just the mundane issues of life, though it's always in the background, taking a bit of the color,energy and taste out of things, but in the quiet it comes on in full force with all it's pain and emptiness. How much I wanted and loved this child. How much I feel cheated to not hold it in my arms and nurse it, to not know the color of it's eyes, or to not inhale that sweet smell from our newborn's head.
I am assured by scripture that I will one day meet our child, and I firmly believe that I will. I believe in the resurrection. Like Job, though, I want to know why. Why did our baby die? I realize I probably will never know the answer this side of the veil. As to the question, "Can God be trusted?". I think I am a bit like Peter when he said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Gina, I too have known the pain of miscarriage. I too ask those eternal questions that about the eye color, hair color, even whether a girl or a boy. I know however that God was in that miscarriage as I was only 18 years, old unmarried, and trying to find my way in life. I know that it was in fact God's divine providence that allowed my baby to go and prepare for my arrival! What a glorious day indeed when we see our children (I picture full grown and beautiful/handsome and waiting with open arms). I know the pain is deep as I still suffer it's pangs around the time every year, and it has been 22 years, but I know that God's grace is sufficient and I know that you know that too. I am thankful for the skilled hands of the surgeons, the intelligence in you and David realizing that you needed to go to the hospital, and your incredible faith that you would share this painful experience with all of us in such a thoughtful, thought-provoking, honest way! We love you and have been and will continue to pray for your healing.
ReplyDeleteGina, none of us can truly know what someone else goes through when grieving. I had three miscarriages, one ectopic pregnancy,( that was a blessing because I would probably never have been able to concieve properly without the surgery and corrections they made while in there) You know very well that I lost my son, Lee, as well. But can I say I know what you are going through? A resounding "NO" Each of us does this in our own way. I do not believe that God did any of this to me. I believe firmly that when sin came into the world that death, disease, pestilence and grief came with that. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am sending a poem that was shared with me after I moved here. It has been a blessing to a lot of people. Love you all a lot.
ReplyDeleteMelanie and Anon., thank you for sharing your stories with me. It has been amazing for David and me to find out just how many people have walked through this valley. My heart breaks for everyone.
ReplyDeleteAnon., I've known your story and heartache for a long time. The one thing I remember Lee saying about suffering when he was battling cancer was that while his suffering was more obvious, that everyone had their own grief and suffering which they carried with them. That spoke volumes to me as a teenager and I've always tried to remember that when tempted to indulge in self-pity.