Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dissatisfied And Not Loving It

I hope Dallas Willard it right. Over at IMonk on Monday, Chaplain Mike posted a quote of his:
It is spiritually formative to be dissatisfied and unable to resolve it.
If this is true, I think I'll should be pretty beautifully spiritually formed when this current funk ends. As of now I feel like a prepubescent with hands and feet too large as I clumsily try to move through life. Overall, the feeling is of being out of sync or off balance. A certain amount of this is normal for me. I've never fit any conventions very well, though after all the insecurities of adolescent and young adulthood, I've managed to deal with my oddities pretty well and am blessed to have a husband who actually loves them, well, most of the time anyway. This, however is not a matter of just being a little against the grain.

There have been outside forces which have contributed to this of course, but trying to figure out where that ends and my part begins seems pretty impossible. So, here I am, with a loving husband, family, friends yet a continued sense that something is off. In part, this is why I haven't written much these last few months, and as many of you will know, once something is put off, it becomes larger and insecurities grow. I want to be able to share hopefulness, goodness and beauty, but all I have is spiritual, unresolvable dissatisfaction.

So, I've decided to just go ahead and write, spiritually unresolved and all. Thanks for sticking with me, and perhaps after this season is over, I can right something more encouraging, maybe even a little bit beautiful and good, Lord willing.